I hate bootlegs

I knew bootlegs existed, of course. I didn’t see the appeal, personally. If I want to own a movie, I want to own it, with box art and inserts and a real case. I am a movie consumer in every sense of the word.

So last year when I saw a listing on eBay for a "rare!" Joan Crawford movie, you would think all my alarms and sirens would have gone off. But no, I was in the throes of discovering both eBay (it was my second auction) and a passion for collecting Joan Crawford memorabilia (save your wire hanger comments). My collection has since expanded to an entire shelf, but at the time I was just starting out, and I was dazzled by the listing. Crawford! Franchot Tone! Robert Montgomery! All in the same movie! And it’s rare!

So I bid. And won. Promptly paid, promptly got the movie. Promptly left feedback – my first mistake. The movie had looked kind of dodgy to me right out of the package. No cover art – a clear plastic box. Well, I’d seen that mentioned in the listing. Label on the tape itself that looked suspiciously homemade. Hmmm. Well, it’s not like it was written in crayon, so maybe I was just being suspicious for no reason. Still, I had what I’d paid for, so I left positive feedback: fast shipping, glad to have hard to find movie, blah blee blah.

In retrospect, I think my comment makes me look like an even bigger rube.

I pop the movie in the VCR, and we’re off. So far, so good. Until about 20 minutes into the movie, when Ted’s TCM logo appears in the bottom right corner of the screen, as it is wont to do. I literally can’t believe my eyes. I end up watching the same scene with Edna Oliver a zillion times because I just could not fathom that I was really seeing that logo.

Then I got mad. Logged back on to eBay, amended my feedback. Emailed the seller and requested a refund, post haste. Fumed for awhile. Watched the scene again. Checked IMDB – this movie has never been commercially released, duh. So "rare" applies in the "rare because it’s an illegal copy" sense. Finally went to bed.

The next morning, I have an email from the seller. He strives for satisfaction, and since I’m not satisfied, here’s my refund. I can keep the movie. (Damn right I’m keeping it! Now it’s evidence!) I also have a PayPal refund. Well, at least it didn’t turn into a bloodbath.

I’m still ticked, though, especially when I check the seller’s listings and see that he has over 200 movies for sale. A cursory check leads me to believe they’re all bootlegs. Fucker. Now I’m ready to bring the pain.

I report him to eBay. They suspend him. He comes back, lists more movies. I report him to eBay again. They suspend him. He comes back, lists more movies. I report him to eBay yet again. They suspend him. He comes back, lists more movies.

(Cutting and pasting was used in creating the above paragraph. Just repeat until you’re dizzy. I reported him 12 times before I stopped counting.)

I see the Joan Crawford movie listed again – by another seller with a suspiciously similar name. Sing it with me: I report him to eBay. They suspend him. He comes back, lists more movies.

I contact TCM. Thanks, they say, they’re always interested in protecting their intellectual property, la la la. I report him to the MPAA. No response. I report him to the FBI, with some embarrassment, because obviously more important things are going on in the world. They thank me, and advise me to contact the MPAA. Hey, what about those warnings at the beginning of movies about ginormous fines and jail time and all that? No public flogging? No arrest in front of a gaggle of TV cameras? Oh, well.

As of this writing, the seller is, of course, still on eBay. However, I haven’t seen him list any movies in a long time. At least not under any IDs that I am aware of. I know he has at least three. I occasionally check for that Crawford title, and nothing comes up. So I suppose some kind of justice did eventually prevail. Just not the publicly humiliating kind I was hoping for. And I learned a lesson, at no cost to myself, which I can now pass along to you.

In case you’re curious, the seller’s ID was besttrader2004. Look at all that positive feedback. Either people are stupid or don’t care that they’re getting illegal copies, that this guy is profiting off of them with blank tapes and his cable hook-up. His other ID was beststuff4, which has since been suspended – yay! I can’t remember the third one, it had the word gift in it. I don’t check every day anymore – I eventually gave that up for the sake of my sanity – but if you ever see him or anyone else selling bootleg movies on eBay, report their asses, won’t you?

Another offender (I somehow find all the Crawford ones) is billiecassin (get it?) who sells "rare" DVDs of Joan Crawford’s television appearances and commercials. I’ve reported her a boatload of times, but the listings keep on coming. Gah, just looking at them again makes me grit my teeth. If I were a vengeful person, or someone who disrespects the law as much as these people do, I would get another eBay ID and start some ridiculous high bidding just to fuck up her auctions. Or win and not pay. But I’m not, so I never would. Plus I’m too much of a weenie.